Why do I do this to myself.
I know what’s going to happen. I do it anyway.
I know I’m going to feel even more alone than I could imagine.
I know I’m going to feel purely helpless and invalid.
I just don’t understand.
On Maslow’s pyramid of psychology, before self-actualization or even esteem, what is needed is Love. Belonging. ”Friendship, Family, Sexual intimacy”. I have the family. I don’t know about the Friendship as much. Sexual intimacy? I’m about as far from that as possible.
I’m not even sure I can feel Safety at the moment. The more I think about it and the longer my life continues, the less promising my future seems. Yes, this is the highest dose of medication I’ve been on yet. But medication doesn’t fix your problems. It just helps you cope with them.
Self-esteem, confidence, achievement.
Why do these seem so distant. Maybe it’s the lack of love. The security in my friendships. The achievements that seem impossible.
How the fuck do people find each other in this world? What the fuck can you do about it?
People don’t accept someone who has no self-esteem. But when someone’s alone, how can they be confident.
Such an empty word. Empty like the heart that feels it.
What do I get for trying my best to respect the world and the creatures in it, the people around me, trying to love things and accept things for how they are, trying to look on the bright side of things.
What am I doing. What am I. Who am I.
I just want to go lie in a hole and stay there. Curl up, in my own little world, like a caterpillar. Wait for the world to change. Wait for myself to change. But I’m stuck.
I don’t get it why can’t life be filled with kittens and rainbows and everyone get along and be happy and accepting of each other and we all just love each other.
The world needs love. But there’s not enough people willing to give it.
People don’t know the meaning of the word love.
Love is an illusion.
Love as we know it.
Where is the kindness, the goodness. A good heart. A pure soul.
I don’t know where I went wrong but everything is wrong.
“You’ve been through so much recently. Hurt and betrayed. So twisted up inside. You’re still full of love, but fear has moved in where trust should be.”
What is trust? I don’t understand. It seems I still need more help than I thought I did.
Someone please answer me. I just feel so alone. I don’t know where I am or where to go or what to think or do.
Am I reaching a point of desperation? It’s hard to tell. I don’t even know what defines desperation. Desperation for security? For humanity? For love, acceptance, and kindness?
It’s like there’s all these voids in my life and I’m trying to fill them but the reality just keeps stabbing holes in me.
Still, instead of forgetting everything I choose to be aware of the reality. I want to erase my memories. Erase my feelings. Erase my humanity. Is feeling nothing better than only feeling pain?